Love is Like a Plague
by paynesgrey
Summary: Ty Lee reflects on Mai and Zuko's relationship, and Azula would rather jump off a boat. CRACKfic. Mai x Zuko. ONESHOT.


AN: Spoilers for "The Beach" in Season Three.

Love Is Like a Plague

It was quite obvious to anyone that Mai and Zuko weren't a conventional couple.

"The sunset is so beautiful when it looks like it's covered in blood," Mai said as she leaned against his shoulder. She sighed and Zuko snuggled against her.

"_You're_ beautiful when you're covered in blood," Zuko replied, watching her intently. Zuko mimicked her content expression, and even though it was kind of dorky, Mai met his eyes with a smirk.

"No, you are."

"_You_ are," he cooed back.

Conventional couples were nothing like Mai and Zuko. One could get sick off the saccharine of a common couple's public affection and soft languid kisses that spoke volumes of foresight.

Mai and Zuko, however, disgusted others with their love on a different level.

"Ugh, are they ever going to stop?" Azula sneered and turned to Ty Lee. The fire princess appeared a bit greener than usual. She tried to turn away from the scene when Zuko clutched Mai to his chest as they lounged on the beach. She and Ty Lee, unfortunately, were stuck in the back as third and fourth wheels. Azula didn't much like that role, honestly, and another glance to the horridly cuddly scene with angst-ridden and black poetry was enough to make her stomach turn.

Ty Lee beamed with a goofy smile. "I think it's cute."

Azula made a gagging noise and proceeded to pout. "I don't care if they just sit there, but could they cut out the 'I want to make out in a sea of entrails and blood' verses?"

Ty Lee gave her a wry smile. "You're just jealous because that's what you want to do when you find the right guy." Ty Lee's mocking smile was tugging at her last nerve.

Azula bristled. "Do not. You know I prefer dungeons filled with bones to seas of blood."

Ty Lee giggled and then looked back at the abnormal teenage couple and sighed. "I still think it's cute."

"Ugh, it makes me want to cuddle puppies just to balance out the moment."

Ty Lee looked at her nonplussed. "As opposed to …?"

Azula stiffened again and looked away. "Why…kicking them of course."

Ty Lee's smile disappeared.

--

"I wonder what their kids are going to look like," Ty Lee chimed in nonchalantly as she tore her eyes away from another awkward Mai and Zuko scene. The poor dolt had bought Mai her third ice cream cone, and it promptly fell off the cone and into the sand at her feet. She heard him yell at the ice cream vendor about 'broken cones' and proceeded to rough him up for a free fourth cone. Mai looked bored as usual, but Ty Lee could feel she was laughing inside.

"Don't be silly," Azula said snidely next to her. "It's too soon to tell."

"But don't you ever just wonder?" Ty Lee asked.

Azula frowned. "I don't have time to think of Zuko's future children, Ty Lee. If anything, I try _not _to think of such things."

"Why not? You don't want to become an aunt?" Ty Lee jabbed Azula good-naturedly in the ribs. Ty Lee laughed as Azula grimaced. "Just think of it! You'll be old auntie 'Zula!"

"Ugh! Don't call me that!" Azula stormed at her, shoving her away. Ty Lee continued to giggle. "That's a terrible thought. I don't want to be any kid's aunt, let alone the spawn of Mai and Zuko!"

Ty Lee grinned widely and shot a look at the couple, now quite amorous as Mai was content with her fourth and finally unsoiled ice cream cone, and Zuko was tracing a finger suggestively down her jaw.

"Well, the way they're going you could become an aunt of their spawn as soon as tonight," Ty Lee said as a-matter-of-factly.

"Blech," Azula whined, and she glowered at the scene. "I'd yell at them to get a room, but after that comment I don't think I want them too."

"Jealous?" Ty Lee asked, probably for the fourth or fifth time that afternoon. Azula shot her a displeased look. "Look if you don't want to be alone tonight, I could…"

Azula's eyes widened, and she became enraged. Her voice came a bit louder than usual. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not interested in girls?"

Ty Lee shrugged.

--

"Should we throw them a party?" Ty Lee asked later as they were getting back on the boat toward home. It was a cooler day, and Mai and Zuko were snuggling in the back. Apparently, any fights they had that day were all null and void. Ty Lee stole fascinated glances at them, and Azula had to turn away when she saw her brother's hand disappear up Mai's shirt.

"For what?" Azula asked. "We already threw an 'Azula is awesome' party just three days ago. Really I am flattered, but I don't want another party… just yet," she said. Ty Lee pursed her lips.

"Not that! I mean a party when…" Her voice lowered to a whisper. "… You know, they _do it_."

Azula's face couldn't have gotten any paler. She narrowed her eyes at Ty Lee. "No! Absolutely not! Why would you do that?" She clutched her hand to her throat. "How would you even _know_?"

"I told you. I read auras. I can tell."

"And I told you they're way too young for that. Just mind your own business," Azula said horrified. Ty Lee's mind didn't seem to budge.

"Are you sure they're too young for that?" Ty Lee asked honestly.

"For my stomach's sake, I'm sure," Azula responded, turning her back to Ty Lee and the angst-birds in the back and immersing herself in the vast peacefulness of the sea – wishing she could run far away from the kissing kids and Ty Lee's wild imagination. She sighed inwardly, yet Ty Lee wouldn't let it go.

"I bet they'll have cute kids."

"Not the kids thing again." Azula was more annoyed than ever, which seemed to egg Ty Lee on further. "They'll probably be dopey, fat and miserable little children if they take after the both of them."

"Hey, but I think they'll pick up some of their good qualities too," Ty Lee countered.

Azula shot her a deadpanned expression. "Ty Lee, I was talking about their good qualities."

Ty Lee stared at her without expression. Azula cringed as her ears caught wind of a moan in the background. Ty Lee's last words to her on the subject couldn't get any more blunt – or true. "Azula, you're going to be a terrible aunt."

Azula groaned audibly and rubbed her forehead. She saw Ty Lee turn to watch the loving couple in the background again, and suddenly she had this urge to jump off the boat and leave with what was left of her sanity.

Ty Lee sighed dreamily next to her. "They're such a cute couple."

Azula slumped over the side of the boat and felt her stomach wanting to jump off with her. 'Cute' was not exactly the word she'd describe Zuko and Mai. Among hellfire and plagues, the two of them would be still be holding each other and cooing destructive poetry around a field of bodies.

"Yeah, cute," Azula grunted. She sighed and felt the rising urge to burn something. She heard a second moan, and her mind aimlessly wondered aloud, "Where's a puppy to kick when you need it?"

THE END


End file.
